


wakatoshi's beautiful boy

by kiyojima



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bullying, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Soft Ushijima Wakatoshi, Suicidal Thoughts, Tendou Satori- centric, sad tendou satori
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:36:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28946781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyojima/pseuds/kiyojima
Summary: tendou began to cry."what the fuck is wrong with him?""shouldn't have expected much from someone who looks like that.""have you seen the way he smiles? it's so fucking gross. no wonder he turns out to be a pervert."breathe. just breathe."he's even uglier when he cries."tendou began to cry even harder.
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 156





	wakatoshi's beautiful boy

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to write this because i love tendou so much and he's my comfort character. 
> 
> trigger warning: panic attack, referenced self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mild blood and violence
> 
> enjoy! :)

**────────────────────────────────**

tendou hopped into the gymnasium where the rest of his team was practicing for nationals. it was the third years' last year in high school and they wanted to make the most out of their final matches. he made his way over to semi and shirabu, who were tossing the ball to each other. 

"semisemi!" tendou grinned at the bored looking boy with his lanky arms in the air. "did you read the new shonen manga i told you about?"

eita shook his head in response, setting the ball to shirabu. "i have better things to do, tendou, believe it or not."

tendou pretended his statement didn't hurt him, the same way he pretended with everyone else. "ehhhh," he dragged out in shock. "it's a great read! man, and i wanted to talk to you about it today." 

his teammates snickered from their spots in the gym, having overheard the conversation since tendou tended to speak in great volume. "don't go bothering semi now. he's had enough of you bothering him everyday! i won't be surprised if his hair starts to fall out!"

tendou hid his frown with a cheeky smile. "eita is already losing all of his hair!" he retorted with a booming laugh. 

"oh my god, just shut the fuck up, tendou. i'm already having a bad morning so don't make it worse with your freaky fucking giggles," someone exasperatedly called out from afar. 

tendou was beginning to feel cornered, but he held up his mask. 

"you're just jealous that i'm having a good day!" he grinned hysterically. the others looked creeped out by tendou's facial expressions, scowling and turning their heads away. tendou snickered to himself, sticking his long tongue out at them. "hey, i'm not _that_ ugly," he cackled in amusement. 

"you're setting yourself up for that one," shirabu muttered under his breath, but tendou heard it and so could the rest of his team. he knew shirabu meant it in a playful way, considering that they were somewhat friends, but it still hurt slightly hurt his feelings. 

a few people on his team burst out into laughter, wheezing as they held their stomachs. _it wasn't even that funny,_ tendou thought bitterly, digging his nails into his palm. 

"man, i don't understand how you scored someone like ushijima senpai! he's so... _perfect_... and then you're like, the kind of person he would avoid," another voice said, so clearly aiming to mess with tendou's mind. _"no offence,"_ they added in for good measure.

nobody knew about how mentally unstable tendou was, especially not his boyfriend, toshi. they didn't know how badly their words made him want to cut his skin or smash his mirror in, screaming at himself for being so hideous. _no,_ because they thought it was hilarious picking on him, and they assumed tendou would let the remarks fly over his stupid head. 

more than anyone in his life, tendou knew that he was the worst match for toshi-kun. he was freakishly ugly and his lips were too thin, along with his strangely shaped eyes. countless times he had been told he looked like some sort of pervert. his red hair stuck out too much and his body was much too skinny. he was lanky and tall. self-harm scars littered his body. he was the opposite of perfect. 

he was everything that wakatoshi did _not_ need. 

"wait until wakatoshi-kun finds out about this!" tendou joked, threatening to tell his captain. he obviously wouldn't. tendou wasn't a snitch and plus, he could handle a few harmless jokes. 

"until i find out about what?" ushijima walked into the gym with his body as stiff as ever, looking like a giant but also a big, fluffy bear in tendou's fond eyes. 

he was the epitome of ' _deserves better'_ and everyone at the academy knew that. broad shoulders, thick thighs, muscular build, beautiful face- that was the wakatoshi-kun that every girl always tried to ask out, despite knowing he has a boyfriend. they even had the audacity to ask toshi out when tendou was right beside him. to them, tendou didn't exist. he ruined the perfect image and reputation wakatoshi held. 

their teammates immediately straightened up, making it seem like they weren't fooling around and slacking off. wakatoshi had that sort of superiority over people. he was stern and didn't take bullshit, wearing a blank expression all of the time. unfortunately, he was a little clueless about what was going on around him if it didn't have anything to do with volleyball. due to this, he never payed attention to how the rest of the school treated tendou. 

it wasn't that he didn't care- no, far from that. it was just that tendou was good at hiding his true emotions. with a silly smile plastered on his face, he could trick ushiwaka into thinking everything was alright just like that. 

besides, it wasn't wakatoshi-kun's job to worry about tendou. he wasn't supposed to baby him or protect him. tendou was his own person. he could deal with his own problems. 

"nothinggggg," tendou giggled at his boyfriend as the bigger man walked over to him. "there's nothing for you to find out about! let's begi-"

his words were cut off when wakatoshi wordlessly pressed a kiss to tendou's lips. startled by the affection, he pushed toshi away with his hands covering the other man's mouth. he blushed a color almost as red as his hair. he couldn't believe toshi would just kiss him like that in front of everyone. he knew wakatoshi was a very blunt and straight-forward person, but he didn't expect him to show PDA like that. 

"have i embarrassed you, satori?" wakatoshi asked tonelessly, staring into tendou's eyes. most people would think his stare was meaningless, but tendou could see the endearment in them. 

"n-no," tendou answered, clearing his throat and willing his flustered blush away. he removed his hands from wakatoshi's face. 

toshi nodded in affirmation before heading over to his stunned team. they weren't aware that their senpai showed affection to tendou. to be painfully honest, they assumed that their relationship was fake and only rumored. they didn't think it was actually possible for wakatoshi to date someone like tendou. 

and that was why tendou didn't like public displays of affection. it made him feel even shittier than usual. he preferred to be loved by toshi when they were in private and in the safety of their dorm rooms. 

dismissing his thoughts, tendou skipped over to his teammates so that he could stand by them while his boyfriend and coach spoke to them. with his hands intertwined behind his lean back, tendou could tell that the boy who had just made fun of him for dating toshi was feeling anxious. he wasn't anxious because he hurt tendou's feelings, but because he didn't want to get in trouble with wakatoshi. 

obviously.

before the coach could assign everyone partners, wakatoshi spoke up, "satori, let's practice together. i missed you yesterday." he said this in such a monotonous voice, that it didn't even sound like he was being honest. but tendou knew he was because toshi never lied to him. 

once again, their teammates were stunned into silence. their admirable senpai was just casually expressing his love for tendou. how could this even make any sense? 

"toshi-kun! come with me to the vending machine before we start practice! i want to buy some milk!" tendou giggled happily, grabbing his boyfriend's hand and looking up at him with hopeful eyes. 

"mn," wakatoshi hummed, nodding his head. he laced his fingers in between tendou's before following him out of the gymnasium. 

"did that just happen?" shirabu asked after a while of silence. 

his teammates didn't respond. 

**────────────────────────────────  
**

"did you eat breakfast, satori?"

tendou ignored his question, pretending to smile to himself as he pushed a few buttons into the vending machine. _i haven't had breakfast in weeks,_ he thought ironically. 

"satori," wakatoshi called out again, louder in case he hadn't been heard.

gritting his teeth, tendou turned to toshi with a forced grin. "hm? did you say something, toshi-kun?"

"i asked if you ate breakfast. breakfast is a very important meal and you should never forget about it. it gives one strength for the rest of the day," he informed honestly, staring at tendou until the redhead had to glance down in guilt. 

"...not today. i woke up late," he mumbled, swallowing his spit. 

"but you arrived earlier than me, satori. are you lying to me?" wakatoshi questioned. 

tendou's head shot up as an accusing look spread over his emotions. he hated the way toshi talked to him like he was stupid. "no! why would i lie to you? and who cares if i didn't eat breakfast! i don't have to eat everyday! it's not even that important!" he yelled angrily. "you don't even care about how _i'm_ doing! you just want to know if i ate because you need me at full health for a better performance during our volleyball matches!"

unexpectedly, wakatoshi's eyes widened just a fraction at tendou's outburst. 

shit.

he should've kept his dumb mouth shut. 

before wakatoshi could open his mouth to speak, tendou took off running. he abandoned his milk and his shocked boyfriend, bolting down shiratorizawa's hallways. he couldn't breathe. he couldn't breathe at all and he felt like he was going to die. 

_i'm never coming back to school. i never want to see anyone's face again. i never want to get bullied again. i want to go home. i want to be happy. i want- i want-_

struggling to get his locker open, he harshly bit his lip and resisted the urge to smash his fist into the wall. _you idiot. look what you did. wakatoshi was the first and only chance you would've ever gotten at love and you fucking messed it up. do you really think anyone else is going to even look in your direction?_ "shut up, shut up," tendou mumbled to himself. his breathing was labored and his hands were shaking so bad that the moment he opened his locker and got his papers out, they all fell out of his hand and onto the ground.

he dropped to his knees, scrambling to pick them up. once he got all his papers and textbooks, he could leave the school and go back to his single dorm. from there, he could tell the principal that he was going to be sick for the next few weeks and that he would study on his own to keep up. if everything works out in his favor, he would never have to see anyone ever again. 

while tendou gathered all his papers from the floor, his hand accidentally brushed someone's foot and the next thing he knew, he was getting a kick to the face. taken by surprise, tendou cupped his bleeding nose and glanced up to see a girl staring down at him like he had just sexually harassed her. 

she screamed. 

everyone in the hallways turned to look at them and teachers popped their heads out of their classrooms to see what all the commotion was. tendou wasn't sure what to do. 

"he just touched me!" she accused with sheer terror in her voice. people began to make their way over and tendou immediately began spitting out apologies even though he didn't do anything. 

"n-no! i didn't, i promise! i was just grab-grabbing my things," he tried to defend himself but nobody was listening. some people were comforting the girl while others only scowled at tendou with disgust in their eyes. 

tendou felt like he was going to be sick. "please, i promise i didn't-!"

he yelped when a hard kick was blown into his stomach, making him fly back against the lockers. blood flooded his mouth, dripping down his chin and pain exploded in every inch of his trembling body. hits kept coming and coming until tendou was shaking in his own blood with his face pressed into the dirty floors. the teachers weren't doing anything. they just clicked their tongue at him in disappointment. 

tendou began to cry. 

_"what the fuck is wrong with him?"_

_"shouldn't have expected much from someone who looks like that."_

_"have you seen the way he smiles? it's so fucking gross. no wonder he turns out to be a pervert."_

breathe. just breathe. 

_"he's even uglier when he cries."_

tendou began to cry even harder. 

**────────────────────────────────**

he laid under his bed covers in pain. it hurt his chest just to breathe. the impact of their kicks made it a struggle for him to inhale, which worsened his panic attack at the time. it was only yesterday that everything happened, but wakatoshi still hadn't come to check on him. 

_maybe if you didn't yell at him for no reason._

"shut up," tendou muttered, closing his eyes. it was the truth though. wakatoshi was probably upset with him so he didn't care about whatever happened to tendou. they were probably already broken up. five months down the drain because of his stupid mouth. 

he was too tired to deal with anything. if wakatoshi wanted to break up with him, fine then. it wasn't like toshi benefited from their relationship in any way. breaking up with him would result in better things. 

tendou on the other hand... well, he wanted to kill himself. the impulsive thought struck his mind so many times, but he never went through with it. some days, the intensity of wanting to die was stronger than others. today was an exceptionally strong day. 

he was just too lazy to get out of bed and actually go through with it. 

he had gotten several messages from semi and shirabu, asking where he was and why he didn't come back to practice. they asked him if he was okay because they heard what happened. tendou replied with a silly text, stating that he was completely fine and just feeling sick so he wouldn't be coming into school for a few days. if he hadn't replied, it would've seemed like he wanted attention or something and tendou didn't want to appear as an attention whore. 

somewhere in the back of his mind, tendou believed that semi and shirabu would've watched him get beat up while clicking their tongues in disappointment, just like the teachers had. he doubted that they considered tendou their friend like he did. it was probably one sided again. just like his relationship with wakatoshi. 

in all honesty, tendou was too embarrassed to leave his dorm. people would harass him for being a pervert and he would've gotten beat up even more. he didn't have anyone to protect him so he was on his own. staying inside was the safer option. 

still, he couldn't help feeling pathetic.

_"tendou's a monster!" the children laughed, pointing their fingers at him. "he isn't human, look at his face! my mommy would cry if i had an ugly face like that!"_

_tendou pouted at them from where he stood with his long arms by his side. "that's not true! my mommy loves me! she said so!"_

_"she's probably lying to you, tendou! nobody would love a freak!" they snickered._

_tendou's eyes watered as his bottom lip trembled. his hands turned into fists while he glared at them. "no because my mommy never lies to me!"_

_they didn't respond to him. instead, they giggled as they ran away from him, screaming monster like tendou would run after them for getting him angry. he didn't._

_when he got home that day, he shut his mother out._

so pathetic. 

when someone knocked on tendou's door, he jolted in bed. his thin fingers gripped his bed sheets as he stared at the door nervously. would it be wakatoshi-kun? or maybe the boys that beat him up yesterday, hoping for a round two...

"satori," a familiar voice called out. 

tendou's eyes widened and his heart began to beat so wildly, he was afraid another panic attack might occur. toshi-kun... _was he here to break up with him? to tell him how much he hates him? to accuse him of being a pervert? maybe beat him up?_

out of fear, tendou quickly got back under the covers and shut his eyes tightly, holding his hands over his ears to block out the sound of his boyfriend- _ex_ \- calling his name. he curled into a ball with his knees pulled up to his chest. _go away. go away..._ tendou held his breath. he contemplated running to his closet and locking himself inside. _no, that's too scary. i don't like the dark._

_wakatoshi usually hugs me while we sleep..._ but now, he's going to leave tendou all alone. he would never contribute to calling him names, but tendou figured that he would probably ignore him when he needed saving. after all, tendou was never a good enough boyfriend for wakatoshi. 

tendou let out a whimper, curling even deeper into himself.

"satori," a hand dropped on his blanket where his head was supposed to be.

tendou jumped in fear, scrambling to the other side of the bed. he peeked his head out of the covers and saw ushijima staring at him with an unknown look in his eyes. "h-how did you..."

"we have each other's keys," he reminded tendou. 

oh right.

"s-sorry, i was sleeping," he blushed at his blatant lie. 

when wakatoshi didn't look away from a certain spot on his face, tendou quickly lowered his head, remembering that a very prominent bruise was there. neither of them said anything for a while. tendou fidgeted with the red bed sheets while wakatoshi continued to stare into his soul. it made tendou shudder in fear. he could tell toshi was angry even though his expression was void of any emotions. he was afraid that toshi would hit him too and tell him how gross he is for touching a girl. 

tendou wouldn't even have the heart to tell him that he never touched that girl. he deserved another beating. sometimes, tendou imagined that he was helping the people who bullied him because maybe they were having a bad day so they needed someone to release their anger on. when he thought of his bullying in that way, it didn't feel so bad. 

"wakatoshi, i-i'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday..," he apologized. tendou always ended up apologizing even if things weren't his fault. of course, this was his fault, but other times with other people were most definitely not his fault. 

he waited for toshi to take his anger out on him. maybe slap him or tell him he deserved what happened to him yesterday. 

but instead, he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his waist and bring him close. 

at first, tendou's eyes widened at the embrace, but when he realized that toshi wasn't mad at him, his shoulders scrunched up and a whimper escaped his mouth. tears prickled at his eyes as he leaned into wakatoshi's embrace, burying his face into his warm chest. his lips quivered and before he could stop himself, the tears began to spill all over again. 

"i d-didn't touch her, toshi-kun! i promise!" he sobbed, gripping his boyfriend's arms with his shaking hands. "i promise! and i never break my promises- you... you know that!"

"i believe you, satori," wakatoshi murmured into tendou's soft hair. he comfortingly rubbed his back and pressed multiple kisses to the top of his head as his boyfriend hiccupped and cried. "tell me what happened. i want to listen to you. i want you to talk to me. you are very important to me, satori, i am not sure what i would do without you. i would've came and talked to you yesterday, but i knew you needed time. if the school nurses didn't take care of you, i would've been by your side immediately. so please, tell me what's wrong."

_don't tell him.  
_

_he doesn't care._

_he's going to leave you once you burden him with your problems._

_you're a fucking freak. make sure not to look at him while you talk, or else he'll see your ugly crying face, even uglier than your usual face._

"i'm not ugly!" he screamed into wakatoshi's chest, wailing loudly and kicking his feet like a child. "i'm not ugly! i'm not, i'm not, i'm not! SHUT UP!"

wakatoshi flinched at tendou's sudden screaming. with wide eyes, he hugged his boyfriend even tighter and tried to calm him down so he didn't end up working himself into a panic attack. _why is_ _tendou saying words like this? does he think he's ugly?_ wakatoshi frowned in confusion. he always thought that satori was the most beautiful person in the world. did satori not agree with him? did he think that wakatoshi found him ugly? 

"toshi-kun," tendou sobbed exhaustedly, lifting his head to look at wakatoshi. he rested his chin on his boyfriend's chest as he spoke. "am i ugly, toshi-kun? why does everyone say i'm so ugly?"

wakatoshi's brows furrowed as he gazed down at his pretty little satori-kun.

his squinted eyes were swollen and red, puffy with endless amounts of tears streaming down his flushed cheeks. his soft lips were now cracked from all his crying and his throat was rough from the screaming. his glowing skin was now pale in comparison to his usually tan tone, and his cheekbones were more visible from apparent malnourishment. his gorgeous red hair was a little on the thinner side, due to stress and constant anxiety. 

he had changed a lot from the tendou satori he used to be. 

"you're beautiful," wakatoshi whispered without a second thought. there wasn't a single lie detected. tendou satori was the most beautiful person to ever exist, inside and out. "so gorgeous... my pretty little boy..."

tendou, knowing that wakatoshi never lied to him, broke out into a dazed smile as he stared up at his boyfriend. he giggled through tears and closed eyes, hiccupping and sniffling with snot in his nose but that didn't matter...

because tendou was wakatoshi's beautiful boy. 

**────────────────────────────────**

**Author's Note:**

> not everything is cleared up in the story but its just a small projecting fic of my two babies
> 
> i hope you enjoyed reading it! thank you so much!!! >333


End file.
